sin by pure definition is living out of God's will.. if that is the case, i am in deep trouble ...

today we asked what is the point of suffering. why is it there? the answer is there is no point. there isnt meant to be any point.

suffering is a resultant of sin. and tht's tht.. no point to it. it just is.

therefore suffering will always be there. till the very end...it will remain till God comes back again.. (Rom 5:18-25)

an interesting point today was that we are both born in the image of God and man. (1 Cor 15:49)By that virtue we can choose between the two. to live in the flesh or to live in God...

so if sin by pure definition is living out of God's will... hmmm......

note to self: i should go back for more

oops i did it again

disclaimer: i predict from now on, considering the latest trends in posts, it will be a very moody ride.. so dont bother reading from now on, i will just waste your time

yeap i did it again.. i had an excuse last week.. but no excuse today... i blame the bed? ahh... stupid.. i dunno why this is happening... i think i know.. maybe i am just lazy... last night my mother asked me if i lost my zeal to go to church... she even asked me if my name is written in the book of life... i fell silent for a while, staring into space.. i didnt know what to say... cos to be frank i dont know.. am i a christian? do i believe in God? is He real to me? i just muttered back to my mum 'i hope so'...

i thank God for friends like jessica. who is dedicated and cares. she tried to wake me up to go to church. and when she was at church she texted me to asked if i am coming to church. she came home and called my apartment to ask why i didnt go to church. haha.. so cute la she... but it is nice to know that someone cares and still bothers.. but do i bother?

to think that last time i was the one that would look around the church wondering where is she and i would be the one texting her to ask if she is okay, if she will be coming.. guess the table's turned..

i think deep down this is a culmination of all that trash that has been happening in my life for the past couple of years.. maybe it started from the day i got my spm results.. maybe.. maybe i was pushing it away all the time and never really addressing it.. falling deeper and deeper each time and sugar coating it with innocence... nice job Richard... a masterpiece for a disaster...

its not like i dont wanna share.. but who can i share it with? everybody is so busy.. everybody have their own priorities.. i hope someone would notice.. because i am tired of reaching... maybe i put on a strong front too much.. ppl stop wondering if i am permeable... oops sorry you're very wrong.. im just a puppet on a string.. string's broken now.. but no one notices... nice job Richard

who am i gonna share it with? no one. cause no one will listen and not change their opinion about me.. everyone will go, uhh, so you're like that wan ah? i see...... and go into deep thought... nah, no one will listen... it has become so personal and deep with history, pain and shame, i just wonder who will listen.. its not something you can solve in a jiffy.. so i wonder who will have the time...

maybe it was a bad idea after all to have an imaginary church in your head. cause eventually you will join that church in your head and stop believing in the one on earth.

when did i become so bitter?

what am i living for? what is this life all about? my dad told me that when he was my age he didnt have the time or luxury to ask that question. cos he just has no money and he gotta do whatever it takes to survive.. but that doesnt really solve the question, does it?

but considering that my dad doesnt have the luxury to ask this question. that he had no money so he had to work his life out, and now here i am asking this question, with all the providence that he never had.. a roof over my head, money to spend, food to eat, a uni all the way down under, yet i am asking this question... makes me wonder what kind of person i am.. i must be a monster.. an ungrateful bastard...

they say your greatest enemy is yourself.. so i guess i have to kill this bastard... which another ever so popular and recurring question will present itself again - what is life about? what am i living for? what is the point? eat love pray and eat love pray again...

what am i doing?

back to the mouse wheel called circle of life... *cues Lion King Opening Sequence*

It is so short isnt it? This thing called life... Found out that Ng Zhi Qi is with us no more. Not like I know her or anything... I just happen to have a habit of adding random girls.. *shy...* ANYWAY... THE POINT IS.... life is so short... u never know when u will just poof~ and byebye~ *wave hands*

sigh...

it shook me a little tho'... couldnt really sleep last night.. at the back of my head i kept thinking what if like zhi qi, u die in ur sleep, and this is the last night ever.. i bet she never knew what was coming... i bet in her quiet slumber, as her soul left her body, she must have been holding on for a while... there are so many things left to achieve .. so many things yet to do... so many dreams, shattered, gone...

Makes me wonder what am I doing with my life...

Sometimes i am so bad at what i do, i really wonder am i cut out for this.. do i really wanna do architecture? one of the comments i got from my tutor is - can u critically analyse what you are doing... but that is the problem isnt it? i never critically analyse what i am doing...

sometimes its not that i dont want to, i dont really know how... but sometimes it is has become a habit.. a very bad habit...

i am a bit of a mess, arent i?

i will always rmb the time when pastor ruth shared her testimony of how she felt so small and insignificant when compared to a youth leader in her church. he was talented, did many great things... she wondered how could she compare... but God revealed to her that this boy is actually like a tin sausepan, shiny on the outside but rotten and decayed on the inside... i'm sure pastor Ruth had her good intentions of sharing such a testimony.. it's great, beautiful story... but it just reminds me of myself, a reflection of who i really am...

i have done many wrong things in the past.. most of them i keep a secret.. most of them will probably destroy the image of me in your eyes... i have done so many wrong things i dont know if i remember what it feels like to do it right anymore...

one of my fears and struggles is... i dont know if i can love someone a right way anymore... i guess it is silly for me to say so... but really... right now right here, i dont know how... to look at a person with teenage innocence... to blush when your eyes meet.. to look back again with no regrets... to hold a hand and not let go... making memories together that will last a lifetime...

sometimes i ask myself.. so what if you graduate, find a job, get paid, rise the ranks and do what? everyone working everyday, pay bills pay rent pay mortgage, becoming like a mouse on a wheel of consumerism, making the world go round n round n round... for what? what am i living for?

what am i living for?

i'll share with u one last story before i go off...

working at subway, u meet all sorts of 'amazing' ppl... and i mean amazing to both the extreme ends of the scale.. most times its really amazingly horrid... but sometimes, like this one time, you get a really amazing customer walk in...

she wasnt young.. probably in her 60s.. very soft spoken and gentle... came up to the counter for 4 subs... later she asked if the breads will be too hard for ppl with dentures to eat... i gave her the soft ones and the whole process and making the four subs probably took 5 minutes... and we had a lil small talk about the old folks she is buying them for. maybe they are homeless.. maybe they are from a home or shelter... we get a lot of such places here... all along while i was putting the sandwiches together, i wondered if she was a christian but i didnt want to ask, some ppl might find it offensive... and after i passed her her change, she smiled back at me and uttered a gentle ' God bless you..'...

at that point I really wanted to cry... cos i saw an image of what i was before in her eyes.. the passion for ppl.. the passion for souls.. and i know deep down inside she is fulfilled and happy.. to know that her life is a blessing... i was like that... a distant memory of who i was.. but somewhere along the way somethings happened.. and... i dont really know how to get there anymore...

hi blog...

yea i am back.. i dont know why but maybe i need you again... i dont know when will i write something here again, so i am gonna make this long...

i have been so busy lately i dont think i will have time for u... actually, i dont think i havetime for anything or anyone lately... i dunno... it's like i am in a new phase of life...

life... life has been changing so constantly the past years.. i dont know how to feel or what to make of it...

it's like i was a dreamer.. one that would lie on their bed, staring at the ceiling, dreaming of things that will happen... envisioning a possible future that is so full of potential and fun.. oh the excitement that runs through your veins... you draw pictures, make lil thingamagics.. u keep a diary of every single feeling and thoughts.. because they are precious, nostalgic in many ways... u get excited and try to make a difference... you never really thought of what to do and how to get there... u just dream and look forward to the destination, the beauty of it and how awesome it would be, but never really gave thought about the road to that happy ending...

yea i was a dreamer.. i was idealistic.. i had passion.. i believed... i had innocence to believe that dreams do come true...

but somewhere along the way i think sin stole it all away... maybe i saw it coming maybe i didnt... maybe i got used to it.. and never really bothered after a while... then, throw in a few 'realities'... marinate it with a lil 'eye opener'... rub in some 'fact of life'... and things changed...

i wont elaborate on the various stages cos it will take too long.. but right now right here.. the dreamer is no more.. i dunno... maybe he is still here.. just different.. how is it different?

im not too sure if i will find that happy ending anymore.. not that excited about my future anymore... start to wonder what am i passionate about anyway...

like, right now, i am incharged of games at camp... honestly, 5 years ago, when i was still in high school... i would be all gungho.. pushing for ideas... very pumped very hyped... idealistic in some ways, altho i would have disagreed back then... i would take pride in the stuff i did... take ownership .... and encourage others to take ownership too... i would not feel tired... not an ounce of frustration...

it is different now... somehow... i am tired and cant be bothered... i dont wanna care and dont wanna go for camp, altho i paid for it already... i dont mind just not going... but i cant... cos its already so late into the planning stages and to pull out now is just gonna upset everybody... and it would be dubbed 'iiresponsible'' blah, whatever... but it is not just that.. i have alot of uni work to do.. i am even stopping work for next month cos that is how much i need time to work on uni projects.. i just cant afford the time to work at subway...

and also the ppl... i am rather annoyed and tired of their attitude and just really cant be bothered to do anything anymore... this time last year i was all gungho... but they are so fixated so what is the point... yes maybe last year it was good that i came to this church... but maybe it is time to move on... i looked back at the aisle of the church last sunday... and i noticed a drastic reduction in chairs... something is wrong.. but yet they dont wanna be open.... so i just keep my thoughts to myself...

i really dont know wat to do now... i am afraid that if i dont go to camp it will upset ppl, but if i go for camp, i am not even exicted for it, and i need time to do work... i just hope tht the speaker is worth my time... got selected from some random nowhere... that is another issue altogether...

maybe i am being critical... maybe i am... i am not ashamed of it.. cos maybe we should all stop thinking that things are rosy and fine... maybe some will say 'if you're so critical, why dont u b the solution?' yea sure... but when i wanted to show you something u defied, u were so fixated... so waht is the point???

that is just one of the things running thru my head i guess...

another thing is my career , my future... i guess there will be a time when teenage dreams come to die... and you realise that it may not happen after all.. but then u ask, what then? what is gonna happen? i supposed i am split opinionated about this... on one hand, i like to be exicted about it... i dont know what will happen.. it doesnt matter... just take it one step at a time... i am thinking of taking a year out again next year.. this time in Australia... perhaps with the company that euric is attached with.. since they are willing to handle the visa stuff for international students.. i think it will be so exciting... well, it will mean that i will graduate one year later, but who cares? what is the rush? i think working with them gives me a better chance of getting employed again in the future... i am also thinking of changing uni to rmit... or maybe to another state... cos melb uni sucks... just plain simply sucks... hmm... it's exciting right? the world is your playground!! =) then, maybe i wont stay here... maybe i will work in london, france, denmark, china, singapore, the possibilities are endless!!

but on the other hand, i feel scared... cos i dont know what is gonna happen... it's all a blur... i dunno wher will i settle down.. i dunno when to get a girlfriend.. dunno how to get a girlfriend in such circumstances...

hmm... but anyway... i guess this aspect is not as daunting as church atm.... at least it is still exciting... at least i still look forward to it somehow....

but church has become such a drag... it's like i am wasting my time.. i dont know how to voice out cos i know it will be pushed away anyway... it's always - 'that's not how we work around here' or 'we are not ready for this' or 'that may be ur opinion but we have ours and we think that works'...i dont know how to ask for help cos i know it will be put down anyway... it is always - 'do u know how packed our leaders are?' or 'we dont have enough mentors to mentor you' or 'the mentors are all taken atm,they have their own mentees already' or whatever they can cook up...

everyone is too happy with where they are.. everyone wanna keep everyone happy... well im sorry, i am not happy.. but do u notice it? are u doing anything about it? but honestly i dont quite care... but i know i should...

i just know that there are much more than this.... i once dreamed... i came and i saw such a beautiful picture.. i saw the possibility... but u put me down so much...so i guess somewhere along the way, i just stopped dreaming...

It's been a while huh....

Yeah, very long time indeed....

So, let's see.. It has been a year here in Melbourne... I started out strong and mighty, ready to face the day.. Yes it was difficult but through the storm I learned to find my way, to pace myself, and I know I found God in a whole new level... In many ways life has changed...

But like any other euphoria of first loves, the reality of life will finally sink in.. and i guess i wasn't ready to swim.. cos i started to sink... I sank very very deep... I became very self centered.. Everything was about me.. about what i wanna achieve, about what i hope to be, about my future, everything that concerns me, i was all out for it.... i gave my heart and soul into it...

and i forgot about everything else

i came to the point where i asked myself in bed, staring at the ceiling, "Please remind me what is all this for again?"

Cause it's true.. i dont rmb anymore... i lost the passion, i lost the fire... i started questioning the point of living and the point of a hope and a future... i felt like a dead man walking, living each day like a machine... i practically lost it....

but it's funny cos u can never ever go too far away from God that His grace is not sufficient for you nor a place where His mercies can never reach you...

The past two months has been a chain of outrageous events that started breaking me to the core... it broke my ego, broke my pride, and it shock the very foundations of the pillar of sand that i built over the year...

it gave me failure to understand the meaning of success; heartache, to teach me how to love selflessly; rejection, to know and appreciate the value of love; regret, to understand the extends of forgiveness; emptiness, to accept that everything is in God's Hands and the best plan is always His plan...

God's plan...

I am still trying to fully understand God's plan and the idea of God's plan.. but undoubtly, everything that has happened so far, everything that went wrong, God turned it back for good..

Just a few weeks before, i was questioning will i ever find a job, and i got a job... and i didnt even need to apply for it.. it was so effortless... and it was given to me on a platter... i tot will not be going home this year, but before i even know it, i am booking a flight ticket back home in a week's time...

Euric asked me why did I decide to work with Ian.. why dont i go for larger firms (since i am gna work in malaysia, might as well go for the big and famous ones).. i dunno how to answer his question.. all i know is that at this point of time, this is the right decision.. i have the peace in me that this is right.. whether or not am i supposed to develop a career in malaysia or not, that is a totally different story.. for much later. but for now, for this few months, i am pretty confident that working at Ian's is the right choice....

And i am suddenly reminded of a post i made earlier.. about the architect who i wanna be.. i am not the architect who works in a big and famous firms, who makes a name for himself and gets in face published on a magazine cover.. i am the architect who wanna build homes for the homeless.. that is my conviction.. and i know i will get there one day.. and somehow i know working with Ian, being thrown into the deep end, to learn how to handle projects by myself, having to run the office almost single handedly (cos Ian will be away some days, and the firm has only a staff of two to three) I know that i will learn so much more about being an architect and how i can reach that goal one day....

so here it is, here is now... just a week ago i was wondering how will my story of 2010 will unfold, cos everything was stil so blurry and uncertain.. but now it has been laid straight, never clearer than ever.. and i know it will be an exciting one....

The best things in life arent things

so true isnt it?

and if you just turn your eyes upon the small little things that really matters, you would see that life is really so beautiful...

Like a simple wave from a child to say goodbye to you
Like a simple photograph with a friend that you cherish in black n white
Like a simple party that turned out well because of a good group of young people that is willing to go the extra mile for each other

funny how im the one that asked that we do not be bitter and move on with happy memories while turns out that i am the one that kept on the bitter train and never really got off in the first place...

Gotta stop this bitter train..

bcos life is beautiful and too short to be wasted away sulking....

yes and amen

sometimes i wish blogging is telepathic... like u just gotta think it in your head, and everything will just get recorded without u having to type it all down.. cos most of the time, when i finally come around to it, it's either i have forgotten all of em, or i just cant be bothered cos it will take up so much time and i have too much on my mind...

but anyways

alot of things happened this week... particularly the last 24 hours... alot of drama.. mostly in my head.. but it's still alot of drama...

but in the end, i know, that God is trying to tell me something...

all these weird series of events that just builds up to one story - i am made for God sized dreams.. i am made for something better than this...

1) i have to stop redigging old graves.. let bygones be bygones and dont revisit it anymore... cos there is no point... u cant change the past.. what is done is done... move on ... live on... you are made for better things than this... the past will inform your future and you will become someone better.. never say that you are a monster... becoz you are not defined by what you did, but by the very deeds that you are gonna do

2) i will never be that perfect item.. so dont even bother... and stop kiling urself over how you have been tainted by the past and how you messed up ur "perfect"ness... u will not be perfect becoz you are not... so stopit dammit..stop.... but dont voluntarily shelf yourself too... you may be imperfect, but every toy deserves a loving child.. and you know deep down inside you are made to love... so dont stop youself from that.. but embrace it whole heartedly.... but always keeping in mind that love comes with responsibility and a price to pay...

3) i do not need to have the approval of anybody... so say it with me "NOBODY"... it's not about finishing your education for the sake of it... dont ever do it because you wanna please your parents.. dont do it because it is your duty as a child to finish your studies... it is funny how marc said what he said after i complained to him how certain companies are taking so long to reply my intern applications..

"i am just saying this as a friend, but dont go into something that you will dread for life.. becoz that is exactly what our parents are doing"

i nodded..

"but they are doing it because they didnt have a choice.. but you do... they are giving you that choice..."

i pondered for a while when he said that.. altho i was super busy working towards a deadline in like 4 hours... but i pondered.. becoz it is true.. i have choice... so, do i really wanna be an architect? do i really wanna spend my whole life doing architecture? or am i just continuing this because "my parents paid great money to send me here so i should finish it off"?

i wondered... i seriously questioned myself... and again... i felt like i wasnt standing anywhere... felt so uncertain... at that point everything just seemed so uncertain....

but that night i walked to their apartment.. i havent walk in a while... so i decided to just stroll... had some me time... and i realized that i was not just trying to please my parents... subconciously i was also trying to please other ppl...

and i realized - "so what??"

so what if architects dont make much money?? so what if architects will have a hard time looking for a job?? so what if architects will graduate late?? so what if architects will likely have to end up with a wife that has already worked 3 years by the time he graduates?? so what if the wife will likely have a fatter bank account by then?? so what if i probably wont even have a car yet?? so what if she could possibly afford a car now?? so what ??? seriously... so what???

and then i realized -"why??"

why am i so worried if i will get a job?? why am i so worried if i will be able to retain the job even after my year out is over?? why am i so worried if i will like my job?? why am i so worried?? why??? seriously.. why???

and then it dawned on me - " i am made for something bigger than this.."

i was suddenly reminded of a Simpsons episode i watched during the week... it was about Bart getting an F and how he tried so hard to pass so that he will not have to stay back in 4th grade.. he finally prayed to ask for divine intervention so that he will have more time to study... it happened.. and the episode ended with the family gathering in front of the family fridge, looking at the D- history paper pinned onto the fridge door... he passed... barely... but the last line of the show was amazing... seriously.. i didnt see it coming... considering how shitty The Simpsons have become... i am only watching it cos that is my only source of meal time entertainment in this horrid stressful week...

it ended with Bart saying " A part of this D- belongs to God.."

then God brought me back...

I am made for bigger things than this...

pretty much alot of my life thus far feels like that.. a D-.... its barely there.. but still doing ok... but feels like shit too... but i just felt like at that point, that very point God was speaking right to me saying I AM MADE FOR BETTER THINGS THAN THIS

no matter how shitty i was or how i feel... no matter how many expectations are upon my life... no matter no matter, it just doesnt matter... i am better than this....

4) so you will not stop me... you will not bring me down... i have God-sized dreams... i will be an architect... and yes i damn well will... i will be the architect of my own making ... of my own goals... and i will get there.. somehow someway... u dont like it? u cant accept it? well, too bad, it's your lost... not mine... because i am going to do what i know i want to do and i will not let you hold me back...

5) and because of all these, i know God is ultimately also asking me to wait... i am not ready... rather, my life at this point is not ready... so many things are unsure... uncertain... if you take it up now, you know you will surely fall.... it's not about a matter of faith... but a matter of diligence...

you have so much more to accomplish first... go ... do those things... if you really wanna have faith.. then trust this - let God take control... if it is meant to be, then God will preserve your hearts, that whoever you become and where ever you go, God will bring both hearts back together again one day... so its never too late... but u know very well, that it is too early.... so please wait....

u cannot afford to fear... cos fear is not an option...

but right here right now, it is your moment... in your deepest darkest moment, where you feel like you have totally no more control of your life.. at the end of your rope... this is the time where God will mold you, shake you, break you, make you....

it's funny how this week as well, anita asked me, "so all these while you have been living by circumstances?"...

but no more.. no more.... ever since the day i received news that i will be staying with cathy and desmond back home in msia, things just havent been the same anymore... it changed.. God changed it.. and now i know i am not the same man anymore... but who am i exactly? i dunno... im like a butterfly in my coccoon... waiting.. waiting... waiting... but at the same time, changing...

i cant say that i dont know how the future will be... cos i do see it... i smile everyday knowing that it is there... i know in my heart it is there... but just , how exactly do i get there? this is the question that scares me the most... cos it spells uncertainty...

but i cannot fear.. cos fear is not an option...

but to top it all off.. do you know what i really wanna be??

i wanna be an architect...

but not the award winning one.. not the one that wants to set up his own firm and put his name on magazines... no tht is not me....

i am the architect who works for a mid size company... make my way up the corporate ladder as much as i can... whilst making enough time for God, family and church...

i wanna be the architect that builds communities and impact lives... i wanna be the architect that builds homes for the homeless, schools for the fatherless... i wanna be the architect that designs to bring people together... that fosters unity and harmony...

i wanna change the world, with my designs... with my work... i wanna touch lives... to see people interract with my work and take a piece of it back with em, into their hearts somehow someway.. to connect with people in a deeper heartfelt way....

yes, i will probably not make too much money.. there is always that risk....

but i will always rmb the day, when my junior came up to me on my last day of high school and said, "Richard, i wanna grow up to be just like you.." i will always rmb that... becoz that is what i wanna do...

i wanna inspire... lead lives.. directs lives... show them the right way.. and encourage them to take their own journey and discover it for themselves what life has to offer... that is me... the designer and architect in me...

it's not about the money.. it's not about the fame....

i will be an architect... but i will define my own profession... so, sorry if i am not your cup of tea... or if you thnk it is pointless... but no, i dont wanna live my life, looking back one day and think what could have... no, i wanna look back, and be able to smile... cos i know i did that.. i did what i know i wanna do....

i am made for bigger things than this