MC-53

sometimes i wish blogging is telepathic... like u just gotta think it in your head, and everything will just get recorded without u having to type it all down.. cos most of the time, when i finally come around to it, it's either i have forgotten all of em, or i just cant be bothered cos it will take up so much time and i have too much on my mind...

but anyways

alot of things happened this week... particularly the last 24 hours... alot of drama.. mostly in my head.. but it's still alot of drama...

but in the end, i know, that God is trying to tell me something...

all these weird series of events that just builds up to one story - i am made for God sized dreams.. i am made for something better than this...

1) i have to stop redigging old graves.. let bygones be bygones and dont revisit it anymore... cos there is no point... u cant change the past.. what is done is done... move on ... live on... you are made for better things than this... the past will inform your future and you will become someone better.. never say that you are a monster... becoz you are not defined by what you did, but by the very deeds that you are gonna do

2) i will never be that perfect item.. so dont even bother... and stop kiling urself over how you have been tainted by the past and how you messed up ur "perfect"ness... u will not be perfect becoz you are not... so stopit dammit..stop.... but dont voluntarily shelf yourself too... you may be imperfect, but every toy deserves a loving child.. and you know deep down inside you are made to love... so dont stop youself from that.. but embrace it whole heartedly.... but always keeping in mind that love comes with responsibility and a price to pay...

3) i do not need to have the approval of anybody... so say it with me "NOBODY"... it's not about finishing your education for the sake of it... dont ever do it because you wanna please your parents.. dont do it because it is your duty as a child to finish your studies... it is funny how marc said what he said after i complained to him how certain companies are taking so long to reply my intern applications..

"i am just saying this as a friend, but dont go into something that you will dread for life.. becoz that is exactly what our parents are doing"

i nodded..

"but they are doing it because they didnt have a choice.. but you do... they are giving you that choice..."

i pondered for a while when he said that.. altho i was super busy working towards a deadline in like 4 hours... but i pondered.. becoz it is true.. i have choice... so, do i really wanna be an architect? do i really wanna spend my whole life doing architecture? or am i just continuing this because "my parents paid great money to send me here so i should finish it off"?

i wondered... i seriously questioned myself... and again... i felt like i wasnt standing anywhere... felt so uncertain... at that point everything just seemed so uncertain....

but that night i walked to their apartment.. i havent walk in a while... so i decided to just stroll... had some me time... and i realized that i was not just trying to please my parents... subconciously i was also trying to please other ppl...

and i realized - "so what??"

so what if architects dont make much money?? so what if architects will have a hard time looking for a job?? so what if architects will graduate late?? so what if architects will likely have to end up with a wife that has already worked 3 years by the time he graduates?? so what if the wife will likely have a fatter bank account by then?? so what if i probably wont even have a car yet?? so what if she could possibly afford a car now?? so what ??? seriously... so what???

and then i realized -"why??"

why am i so worried if i will get a job?? why am i so worried if i will be able to retain the job even after my year out is over?? why am i so worried if i will like my job?? why am i so worried?? why??? seriously.. why???

and then it dawned on me - " i am made for something bigger than this.."

i was suddenly reminded of a Simpsons episode i watched during the week... it was about Bart getting an F and how he tried so hard to pass so that he will not have to stay back in 4th grade.. he finally prayed to ask for divine intervention so that he will have more time to study... it happened.. and the episode ended with the family gathering in front of the family fridge, looking at the D- history paper pinned onto the fridge door... he passed... barely... but the last line of the show was amazing... seriously.. i didnt see it coming... considering how shitty The Simpsons have become... i am only watching it cos that is my only source of meal time entertainment in this horrid stressful week...

it ended with Bart saying " A part of this D- belongs to God.."

then God brought me back...

I am made for bigger things than this...

pretty much alot of my life thus far feels like that.. a D-.... its barely there.. but still doing ok... but feels like shit too... but i just felt like at that point, that very point God was speaking right to me saying I AM MADE FOR BETTER THINGS THAN THIS

no matter how shitty i was or how i feel... no matter how many expectations are upon my life... no matter no matter, it just doesnt matter... i am better than this....

4) so you will not stop me... you will not bring me down... i have God-sized dreams... i will be an architect... and yes i damn well will... i will be the architect of my own making ... of my own goals... and i will get there.. somehow someway... u dont like it? u cant accept it? well, too bad, it's your lost... not mine... because i am going to do what i know i want to do and i will not let you hold me back...

5) and because of all these, i know God is ultimately also asking me to wait... i am not ready... rather, my life at this point is not ready... so many things are unsure... uncertain... if you take it up now, you know you will surely fall.... it's not about a matter of faith... but a matter of diligence...

you have so much more to accomplish first... go ... do those things... if you really wanna have faith.. then trust this - let God take control... if it is meant to be, then God will preserve your hearts, that whoever you become and where ever you go, God will bring both hearts back together again one day... so its never too late... but u know very well, that it is too early.... so please wait....

u cannot afford to fear... cos fear is not an option...

but right here right now, it is your moment... in your deepest darkest moment, where you feel like you have totally no more control of your life.. at the end of your rope... this is the time where God will mold you, shake you, break you, make you....

it's funny how this week as well, anita asked me, "so all these while you have been living by circumstances?"...

but no more.. no more.... ever since the day i received news that i will be staying with cathy and desmond back home in msia, things just havent been the same anymore... it changed.. God changed it.. and now i know i am not the same man anymore... but who am i exactly? i dunno... im like a butterfly in my coccoon... waiting.. waiting... waiting... but at the same time, changing...

i cant say that i dont know how the future will be... cos i do see it... i smile everyday knowing that it is there... i know in my heart it is there... but just , how exactly do i get there? this is the question that scares me the most... cos it spells uncertainty...

but i cannot fear.. cos fear is not an option...

but to top it all off.. do you know what i really wanna be??

i wanna be an architect...

but not the award winning one.. not the one that wants to set up his own firm and put his name on magazines... no tht is not me....

i am the architect who works for a mid size company... make my way up the corporate ladder as much as i can... whilst making enough time for God, family and church...

i wanna be the architect that builds communities and impact lives... i wanna be the architect that builds homes for the homeless, schools for the fatherless... i wanna be the architect that designs to bring people together... that fosters unity and harmony...

i wanna change the world, with my designs... with my work... i wanna touch lives... to see people interract with my work and take a piece of it back with em, into their hearts somehow someway.. to connect with people in a deeper heartfelt way....

yes, i will probably not make too much money.. there is always that risk....

but i will always rmb the day, when my junior came up to me on my last day of high school and said, "Richard, i wanna grow up to be just like you.." i will always rmb that... becoz that is what i wanna do...

i wanna inspire... lead lives.. directs lives... show them the right way.. and encourage them to take their own journey and discover it for themselves what life has to offer... that is me... the designer and architect in me...

it's not about the money.. it's not about the fame....

i will be an architect... but i will define my own profession... so, sorry if i am not your cup of tea... or if you thnk it is pointless... but no, i dont wanna live my life, looking back one day and think what could have... no, i wanna look back, and be able to smile... cos i know i did that.. i did what i know i wanna do....

i am made for bigger things than this