MC-53

its 5.30am

before i slept i prayed.. i say God please help me wake up... and He did... i ended waking up scolding because i was just so mad.. i opened my eyes, looked at the time, ah....just nice... but i dont feel so good tho..nevertheless, im awake, thats all that matters...

i checked... silence... and i guess im not surprised. sometimes i wonder if i am even needed. i browsed thru jess's facebook picture and arrived at the photo album where they were at some airport farewell... and i cant help but wonder....what was life like before MC-53? before i happened... before i existed...

last night i found myself in the place of silence too. i sat there observing. i watched. i dunno why i didnt speak. but i chose to stay silent. i chose to watch. coz perhaps i just wanted some time alone. but i looked at rueben and rach and i wondered.. i looked at matt and i wondered. i looked at jess and i wondered... its just...gah... again... the same question.. what was life like before MC-53...

rmb that night when cathy was talking to me about the whole visa thing and how i might hav to go back and how i questioned if i have a hope and a future here? well i guess the question never left... i guess everyday i still wake up subconsciously asking myself tht question...

i guess i ask myself tht question even more every time i see what is in that box and what has overflowed...you know, my heart smiled... when i noticed that silver star on that lil blue notebook last night, oh yes it was there, what good timing... and i just knew that life was beaming before MC-53, surely this heart will shine on after MC-53... and when i came home, i checked, and i saw that an angel appeared and so, i smiled again, knowing that there is more grace and love in this bucket full of sunshine than any amount of tears that can ever fill. so yea, shine on, you o bucket full of sunshine...for every golden star that you choose to give away... it will not be in vain...

its a humbling experience when God puts u back in your place. i guess i am stil finding my place... but i just dunno how... and to a certain degree it scares me... yet i know i am thinking way too much... but then again, time and time again im reminded of how unready i am for all this... time and time again i am reminded to let go... and focus on the price ahead... time and time again i am reminded to appreciate beauty for beauty and smiley for smiley (whatever that meant..lol) ...and not to jump ahead of myself...and not jump ahead of God...to remember my place... and surrender the rest to God on my knees....

so yea i guess its okay...

MC-53 can smile on his own, with God by my side