MC-53

Genesis 22:8
Abraham said, “God will provide for Himself the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” So the two of them walked on together.

we all know the story. God promised abraham that he will be father of many nations yet He asked abraham to sacrifice his only son. God is weird isnt He? but we all know how the story ended... just when he was about to plunge the dagger into his son's chest, God intervened...

i just feel i need an intervention... i need a clean slate...

my dad always recognized a problem in me... that i have no staying power...

sometimes i feel that is the story of my life... i just cant stay in a thing long enough...i give up.. too easily... i cant love someone long enough... i cant commit myself to something ong enough... i cant focus on my task long enough... i cant walk this walk and talk this talk long enough... somehow someway i will just stray away... and i hate it...i seriously hate it... and i wanna change... i wanna stop this hypocrisy...

but then when i think about it... as much as i lack staying power...God always did intervene... i am where i am today... not by my own strength.. this i know very well... it has always been God at work.. never me... but i tend to take the credit in the end..."wah... richard very good ah.." , " wah, you design wan ah? so nice.." , " wah.... richard sure can wan la..." wah this wah that... and it gets to u i guess...horns grow... altho i do grind them all the time... but yea...God always made a way... and His promises never failed....

something happened last night...

it was ministry night and pastor was trying to get us to exercise our gifts in God... but i just felt so shitty that night i didnt wanna do anything... i just felt like a monster... and mind u, i dont simply use words i dont mean... i really felt like a monster.. and i kept asking God why He even bother about me... i keep running away... running away from who i know i can be... or rather i keep getting distracted...it just crazy... i wrote like so many unposted drafts here on this blog this whole week... all too negative to show anyone...

but it came to a point in the night... where we had to pair up and start praying for one another... for some strange reason i ended up with zai ming... i really didnt wanna pray for him... like i said i felt shitty so why would i wanna pray for anybody? but i did... and a word came.."what is ur heart?"... i dunno how relevant that was and so i just asked him what was his heart? he answered and i prayed... i didnt really know what i was doing... all i know is that i said to God, i said, if you can use anything u can use me, i guess... and so i prayed... i dun rmb what i said... but i guess part of me did let go... and when i was done... i looked up.. he looked at me and smiled... he said that he felt that there was power when i prayed... i was like what?? haha...he said he felt it... i dinno what to do i just sat back down.. continued to be shitty...

and then it came to a point where pastor wanted to pray for claudia... for her lady patient, the lady with cancer and her lil boy... and as the church prayed... suddenly i felt this burden... again... like the one i felt when i prayed for wil that sunday morning.... again it burned... and again i wanted to cry... astho i could feel the burden within claudia for this mother and child.... i wanted to walk over to her and ask if i can pray with her... but i didnt... and pastor went on to testimony time so i just let it slip...

and its funny how God tries to put together a story for me tht night.. claudia went out to share how she blessed this homeless man with the only 20 dollars she had left in her pocket... and i was reminded bout the 20 dollars i had gave to that homeless lady...but then i suddenly remembered that the 20 dollars wasnt mine...

during the first two weeks of my sem i actually got picked to take a trial english test.. it was a study to see how effective it was... and i was one of the "test subjects".... only those who went and take the DELA this year would be eligible to take this trial test... marc and euric was kinda laughing at me that i would waste my time on lousy pathetic english tests like DELA... but i did... and i got picked for the trial... and i got PAID to take the test... 25 dollars...

and i ws like... hey! that 20 dollars you gave her wsnt yours at all... God provided so tht u could provide... perhaps my faith rose abit there

then AJ came out and testified how his cell prayed for this new couple who came from UK and the guy was looking for a job but he couldnt... cos of the recession... and after they prayed... the guy came back to cell saying that he had THREE job offers at his doorstep... i teared... i dunno why i did but i did...

i was talking to serene last night on msn... i just told her, i said, i just dont wanna go thru the whole uprooting process again... its just...gah... no fun?? and if i am not going to be able to have some form of hope and future here, then wats the point in making grounds here anyway... when all i will be doing is uprooting myself again to go back to msia...

honestly, all i got rite now is the youth at RCC... they are my family and i think i am starting to love em... like seriously... cos they are all i got... and if i were to be uprooted again then wats the point... gah...

i guess i just need assurance of that my future is secured, no matter what happens... i think too much i know...

i gues i just hate building ties and having to break em again... i mean i already did it once... i dont wanna go thru it again...

but for now, really, all i wanna do is get thru my first semester...

but wait.. theres something else i wanna say... i think God is doing something.. whether i see it or not... i mean like... writing this post itself i already teared a few times ( and i actually teared trice watching my big fat greek wedding yesterday...lol) especially when i was talking about abraham and how God intervened... i guess i just need one...

but i do know or rather i can sense that something is happening... with each new day i am changing...something is happening... like how at the end of the service and edwin wanted us to pray as a cell... and coincidentally i got him as a partner... i reletaed to him how i had these burdens for ppl's need... and he told me how i hit the dot when i prayed for him... i was like for real/?? and he said he wans me to start going out to pray for youths next time whenever they have an alter call... at the back of my mind i was like whoah.. hold on... i'd rather sing over him than pray over him...lol....but we'll see how it goes....me? prayer guy? maybe...

but for now, i just really need to get back on track... i was looking at my barchart i made for myself early this sem... and i was like... gosh... the next 6 weeks are going to be hell... like seriously loads to do... feeling stressed already....

staying power...staying power... staying power....

i still havent got a chance to go easter chocolate eggs shopping tho...darn.... and today is anzac day... which means all marketing plans have to be cancelled cos QV market is closed... so much for shopping theraphy... lol