"I Not Stupid"

i am tired

very tired

both mentally and physically tired

but i am pretty sure i am not spiritualy tired..at least not now..=)

physically..coz i didnt get much sleep last night and i had to endure what feels like a really long journey from creswick all the way back here.. it makes your body feel nausious..and i really need to sleep

mentally.. coz... well lets just say i had to face a lot of my demons these few days.. and it sorta built to a climax last night.. it is exhausting i tell u

fear of rejection is the biggest demon ever right now.. it makes me doubt myself.. doubt whether i am being myself..doubt whether i will find myself in this place...doubts and more doubts... fears and more fears...

its really stupid to come to think of it

very

and yes i do feel stupid...

i dunno... this never happened before back home... "fear of rejection" never ever crossed my mind before..but now, suddenly, it blows up at my face..what do u expect me to do? face it ... yes i face it everyday...

last night when i was all alone in my room, i sat there on my bed and i just started to talk to myself.. i do that alot..haha... i will speak out loud..astho ther is really someone there.. but erm... why am i talking about this? haha

but one thing i know for sure... i am an uncertainty avoidance person.. i avoid uncertainties... in everything that i do if i know i am not in control i go really jumpy... i lose all sense of reason... and its in such cases where i really need to chill... thats why i hate last minute work.. my mind just go blank every time i do

and last night during the jam with the guys... my mind just went blank... i lost all mood to play.. i just knew that i had to go somewhere to be alone... and so i walked out... i felt stupid... but i didnt know how to deal with my stupidness.. so i had to walk away...

i dont understand why am i so weak here all of the sudden

maybe all along i have been putting on a mask

but i know i cannot hold it up for long

i am not that strong

but in any case i am letting go.. i am.. but i just have my weak moments.. thats all...

but i tell you one thing..=) God doesnt allow me to be down for too long..haha..somehow someway He will show me truths and remind me again and again that we are in the palm of His hands.. and most oftenly He does it in very subtle and very playful ways too sometimes...like now

cos u know what happened? i sorta just decided to go check out my regular devo website. and the devo topic for the day was

Jesus Saves The Stupid

how random is that?

=) i love You