MC-53

hi blog...

yea i am back.. i dont know why but maybe i need you again... i dont know when will i write something here again, so i am gonna make this long...

i have been so busy lately i dont think i will have time for u... actually, i dont think i havetime for anything or anyone lately... i dunno... it's like i am in a new phase of life...

life... life has been changing so constantly the past years.. i dont know how to feel or what to make of it...

it's like i was a dreamer.. one that would lie on their bed, staring at the ceiling, dreaming of things that will happen... envisioning a possible future that is so full of potential and fun.. oh the excitement that runs through your veins... you draw pictures, make lil thingamagics.. u keep a diary of every single feeling and thoughts.. because they are precious, nostalgic in many ways... u get excited and try to make a difference... you never really thought of what to do and how to get there... u just dream and look forward to the destination, the beauty of it and how awesome it would be, but never really gave thought about the road to that happy ending...

yea i was a dreamer.. i was idealistic.. i had passion.. i believed... i had innocence to believe that dreams do come true...

but somewhere along the way i think sin stole it all away... maybe i saw it coming maybe i didnt... maybe i got used to it.. and never really bothered after a while... then, throw in a few 'realities'... marinate it with a lil 'eye opener'... rub in some 'fact of life'... and things changed...

i wont elaborate on the various stages cos it will take too long.. but right now right here.. the dreamer is no more.. i dunno... maybe he is still here.. just different.. how is it different?

im not too sure if i will find that happy ending anymore.. not that excited about my future anymore... start to wonder what am i passionate about anyway...

like, right now, i am incharged of games at camp... honestly, 5 years ago, when i was still in high school... i would be all gungho.. pushing for ideas... very pumped very hyped... idealistic in some ways, altho i would have disagreed back then... i would take pride in the stuff i did... take ownership .... and encourage others to take ownership too... i would not feel tired... not an ounce of frustration...

it is different now... somehow... i am tired and cant be bothered... i dont wanna care and dont wanna go for camp, altho i paid for it already... i dont mind just not going... but i cant... cos its already so late into the planning stages and to pull out now is just gonna upset everybody... and it would be dubbed 'iiresponsible'' blah, whatever... but it is not just that.. i have alot of uni work to do.. i am even stopping work for next month cos that is how much i need time to work on uni projects.. i just cant afford the time to work at subway...

and also the ppl... i am rather annoyed and tired of their attitude and just really cant be bothered to do anything anymore... this time last year i was all gungho... but they are so fixated so what is the point... yes maybe last year it was good that i came to this church... but maybe it is time to move on... i looked back at the aisle of the church last sunday... and i noticed a drastic reduction in chairs... something is wrong.. but yet they dont wanna be open.... so i just keep my thoughts to myself...

i really dont know wat to do now... i am afraid that if i dont go to camp it will upset ppl, but if i go for camp, i am not even exicted for it, and i need time to do work... i just hope tht the speaker is worth my time... got selected from some random nowhere... that is another issue altogether...

maybe i am being critical... maybe i am... i am not ashamed of it.. cos maybe we should all stop thinking that things are rosy and fine... maybe some will say 'if you're so critical, why dont u b the solution?' yea sure... but when i wanted to show you something u defied, u were so fixated... so waht is the point???

that is just one of the things running thru my head i guess...

another thing is my career , my future... i guess there will be a time when teenage dreams come to die... and you realise that it may not happen after all.. but then u ask, what then? what is gonna happen? i supposed i am split opinionated about this... on one hand, i like to be exicted about it... i dont know what will happen.. it doesnt matter... just take it one step at a time... i am thinking of taking a year out again next year.. this time in Australia... perhaps with the company that euric is attached with.. since they are willing to handle the visa stuff for international students.. i think it will be so exciting... well, it will mean that i will graduate one year later, but who cares? what is the rush? i think working with them gives me a better chance of getting employed again in the future... i am also thinking of changing uni to rmit... or maybe to another state... cos melb uni sucks... just plain simply sucks... hmm... it's exciting right? the world is your playground!! =) then, maybe i wont stay here... maybe i will work in london, france, denmark, china, singapore, the possibilities are endless!!

but on the other hand, i feel scared... cos i dont know what is gonna happen... it's all a blur... i dunno wher will i settle down.. i dunno when to get a girlfriend.. dunno how to get a girlfriend in such circumstances...

hmm... but anyway... i guess this aspect is not as daunting as church atm.... at least it is still exciting... at least i still look forward to it somehow....

but church has become such a drag... it's like i am wasting my time.. i dont know how to voice out cos i know it will be pushed away anyway... it's always - 'that's not how we work around here' or 'we are not ready for this' or 'that may be ur opinion but we have ours and we think that works'...i dont know how to ask for help cos i know it will be put down anyway... it is always - 'do u know how packed our leaders are?' or 'we dont have enough mentors to mentor you' or 'the mentors are all taken atm,they have their own mentees already' or whatever they can cook up...

everyone is too happy with where they are.. everyone wanna keep everyone happy... well im sorry, i am not happy.. but do u notice it? are u doing anything about it? but honestly i dont quite care... but i know i should...

i just know that there are much more than this.... i once dreamed... i came and i saw such a beautiful picture.. i saw the possibility... but u put me down so much...so i guess somewhere along the way, i just stopped dreaming...