disclaimer: i predict from now on, considering the latest trends in posts, it will be a very moody ride.. so dont bother reading from now on, i will just waste your time
yeap i did it again.. i had an excuse last week.. but no excuse today... i blame the bed? ahh... stupid.. i dunno why this is happening... i think i know.. maybe i am just lazy... last night my mother asked me if i lost my zeal to go to church... she even asked me if my name is written in the book of life... i fell silent for a while, staring into space.. i didnt know what to say... cos to be frank i dont know.. am i a christian? do i believe in God? is He real to me? i just muttered back to my mum 'i hope so'...
i thank God for friends like jessica. who is dedicated and cares. she tried to wake me up to go to church. and when she was at church she texted me to asked if i am coming to church. she came home and called my apartment to ask why i didnt go to church. haha.. so cute la she... but it is nice to know that someone cares and still bothers.. but do i bother?
to think that last time i was the one that would look around the church wondering where is she and i would be the one texting her to ask if she is okay, if she will be coming.. guess the table's turned..
i think deep down this is a culmination of all that trash that has been happening in my life for the past couple of years.. maybe it started from the day i got my spm results.. maybe.. maybe i was pushing it away all the time and never really addressing it.. falling deeper and deeper each time and sugar coating it with innocence... nice job Richard... a masterpiece for a disaster...
its not like i dont wanna share.. but who can i share it with? everybody is so busy.. everybody have their own priorities.. i hope someone would notice.. because i am tired of reaching... maybe i put on a strong front too much.. ppl stop wondering if i am permeable... oops sorry you're very wrong.. im just a puppet on a string.. string's broken now.. but no one notices... nice job Richard
who am i gonna share it with? no one. cause no one will listen and not change their opinion about me.. everyone will go, uhh, so you're like that wan ah? i see...... and go into deep thought... nah, no one will listen... it has become so personal and deep with history, pain and shame, i just wonder who will listen.. its not something you can solve in a jiffy.. so i wonder who will have the time...
maybe it was a bad idea after all to have an imaginary church in your head. cause eventually you will join that church in your head and stop believing in the one on earth.
when did i become so bitter?
what am i living for? what is this life all about? my dad told me that when he was my age he didnt have the time or luxury to ask that question. cos he just has no money and he gotta do whatever it takes to survive.. but that doesnt really solve the question, does it?
but considering that my dad doesnt have the luxury to ask this question. that he had no money so he had to work his life out, and now here i am asking this question, with all the providence that he never had.. a roof over my head, money to spend, food to eat, a uni all the way down under, yet i am asking this question... makes me wonder what kind of person i am.. i must be a monster.. an ungrateful bastard...
they say your greatest enemy is yourself.. so i guess i have to kill this bastard... which another ever so popular and recurring question will present itself again - what is life about? what am i living for? what is the point? eat love pray and eat love pray again...
what am i doing?
back to the mouse wheel called circle of life... *cues Lion King Opening Sequence*
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